I get that it's a really unpleasant situation for everyone: we're all in a structure, looking desperate for an open space, secretly hating all other people also looking for a space. But there has to be a certain amount of etiquette in such situations, dammit! Let's review the typical offenders:
1. The Slow-Mo-Stalker
This is probably the most common asshole in a parking garage. This person sees a potential space (as in, they see people walking FROM anywhere TO anywhere) and their speed drops to near-standstill as they try to discern where these space-occupiers are headed. This makes it impossible for the stream of cars behind them to get pretty much anywhere else, as there are typically cars coming down in the other lane, and we're all really not looking for an accident in lieu of a space. I can sort of understand doing this in a parking garage where there's never ANY spaces up top, but that is not the case here; I've NEVER been to this garage and found myself seriously unable to park there. So, to you creepy Slow-Mo-Stalkers, please ask yourselves if it's really worth it to piss off a whole line of drivers (some of whom are probably packing heat) just so you can park on level 3 instead of level 4.
2. The Speed Racer
This is almost the opposite problem of the Slow-Mo-Stalker. These are the people who are desperate to leave the garage, and, in doing so, decide that the safety and sanity of the other drivers in the garage are totally unimportant. They speed down the lanes, often ignoring that there's an OPPOSITE TRAFFIC lane, and take turns at the speed of light, rarely, if ever, using their signals. For some reason, these people think that the speed limit inside parking garages (as well as parking lots) is the same as it is out on the road; it is not. There are people doing all sorts of crazy things like parking their cars and pulling out of parking spaces, not to mention pedestrians strolling their way to and from their vehicles (and don't get me started on the people who walk in the middle of lanes to get to and from their cars. I hate these people with a passion and I sort of hope they get hit by a car someday-- just enough to cause a minor injury). Speed racers terrify me. These people obviously think they are hugely important and they NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE PARKING GARAGE, NOW!!! Which only makes me think that they know something we don't know... like they've planted a bomb and need to make it out of the garage in 1.5 minutes or else they die with us.
3. The Spineless Gentleman
I call this one a gentleman because the attitude is very much a "No no no, by all means, after YOU" approach that is often very commendable, but is entirely inappropriate in a busy parking garage situation. Allow me to elaborate: these are the people who never assert themselves when they NEED to in order to allow their line of cars to move forward in the slightest. As with many parking garages, this garage had its two outermost sections turn into its middle section in order to steadily climb up the structure, which meant that if you were approaching the middle on the right-hand side of it, you needed to turn left after the corner to go up the ramp. Combine that with traffic coming down the middle ramp, wishing to turn both right and left, as well as the traffic from the OTHER side of the structure that is making a right-hand turn to go up the middle ramp. That puts the left-turning line of cars in a really shitty spot. You can't wait for the absolute right of way because you will never get it. You have to MAKE people give you the right of way. The only way to do that is to assert yourself. The Spineless Gentleman doesn't want to be rude or make a wrong move; he/she will wait patiently at the turn for five minutes while effectively completely gridlocking the entire line of cars behind him/her, and probably causing quite a number of people to be blocked into their parking spots due to the unmoving stream of cars in the way.
4. The Quick Droppers
These people may or may not take part in much of the driving inside the parking garage, but they do cause quite a disturbance, and it's terribly jarring when they pull their move: they stop their car somewhere near the beginning of the journey through hell to let people out of the car. There are appropriate places for doing such things, and none of them involve the entrance or first ramp to a parking garage. We are going there to park. We do not expect your car to stop unless there is an open spot. Since we haven't even entered the vicinity at this point, I know there's no way you're trying to park anytime soon. So, when you make a turn into a parking garage, and I make my left-hand turn right behind you (which needs to happen at a good time or else it will be another 5 minutes before I have the opportunity again), I do NOT expect to have to slam on my breaks because you decide that this is the perfect spot to drop off your hussy of a girlfriend. And then, the little tramp had the audacity to run right in front of my car. Wait, did I say run? I meant saunter unapologetically. Again, there are some people I'd like to see get hit by a car. Just a little.
I think that mostly covers the basics. But I write this entry tonight because, out of all my years of driving, I experienced something tonight that enraged me to such a point that I did something I have always thought of doing but have never actually done: I wrote an angry note and put it in someone's windshield. Allow me to set it up for you:
As we're making our way through the parking garage there is a single car in front of me. We have to turn a corner to the right to continue up the next lane of spaces. To the left, I see an open spot that extends into the on-coming traffic of the lane past the corner (as in, if you were coming down that lane, you'd be heading basically straight into that space. I know this because when I was leaving the garage, I was coming down that lane and I pulled directly into the space next to the offender's car). I look at the car in front of me, and he turned on his right blinker. "OK," I thought, "he clearly doesn't feel comfortable parking here and he wants to pass up this spot. Fine by me, I shall park here, instead." I start to head into the spot when I look to my right and, lo and behold, I see the guy's reverse lights on and he honks at me as he's backing up. It turns out that the "I'm turning right" signal meant he was turning right for two seconds so that he could be an asshole and BACK INTO A SPACE THAT WAS ON THE LEFT IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY PARKING GARAGE. Now, if I hadn't seen the right blinker on, I would have assumed he was passing it up. I would have watched him to see what he was doing next. But, since turn signals are typically used to let people know that you are actually making a goddamn turn, I didn't think I HAD to watch out for this guy. Oh, how wrong I was.
I was so angry that I actually lowered my window to yell at him, though I don't know if he heard me (but I'm sure plenty of other people in the garage did). I screamed out something along the lines of "Don't turn your fucking turn signal on if you're going to do that, you asshole!" and then I made my right turn up the lane to find an empty space within clear view of the fucker. I got out of my car, slammed the door shut, and looked back to his car, only to see that his lights were still on and he was still in his car. I gave him the finger and, fuming, went on my way to the escalator doors. I'm so glad that I saw a movie with a bunch of really satisfying killings tonight, because I wanted to shoot someone.
When we returned to the car after about 3 hours (it was a long film), I asked my companion whether or not I should leave a note for the asshole in question, if his car was still there. She said that he probably was not still around; as luck would have it, she was wrong. There sat his car, in all its back-in glory, poorly parked in the very spot that should have been mine (really, it wasn't about which spot I had, as I'm happy enough to go all the way up the garage; it's that the spot should have been mine simply because he was such an asshole). I sat for a moment to stew it over, and decided to go ahead and write a note, figuring that by the time I was done the driver would have returned and I could never follow through with my brilliant, albeit sinister, plan. Again, luck was on my side. Not only was there no sign of the driver, but few people were present, and there were no cars parked around the offending vehicle. To ensure a safe and swift getaway, I pulled out of my parking spot and easily coasted into one flanking the car in question. I immediately jumped out of my car, lifted one windshield wiper, and affixed my plus-sized sticky note to his windshield:
Pro-tip: Do not drive like an asshole while in a parking garage (or anywhere else)!
Let that be a lesson to you all. I always carry sticky notes and writing utensils with me. Always.
P.S. A review for Public Enemies is up at the other blog. I'm hoping to catch up on my movies, as I've actually been watching A LOT lately.
Posts
